Copyright 1998 By Dr. Cliff Heegel
cliff@askdrcliff.com
Distribution is ok-- just make certain you include my name and e-mail.
Personal computers have revolutionized the way we perform many functions in our lives. Naturally, like everything we humans do, we use computers for both constructive and destructive purposes.
In recent years in my work with sex addicts there has been a remarkable increase in the number of persons acting out sexually through the use of their computer. Sex and love addiction is growing and thriving in cyberspace.
There are many types of sexual acting out that exist on the Internet. By far the most prevalent form of sexual acting out consists of the viewing of pornographic images purchased from Internet porn shops. There are tremendous numbers of Internet pornography shops that offer every type of pornography. Users of the Internet can browse sample images from their home computer and then, using their credit card or debit card, charge a "membership" fee that allows them to download thousands of explicit images onto their own home computers. They can then view these hard-core images whenever and wherever they have a computer. With the right equipment, they can even print these images to create their own private porn magazines. They can copy these pornographic image files to floppy disks to distribute. They can even e-mail the files across the world.
A newer form of acting out sexually is the use of video conferencing technology. Through the use of software (and sometimes specialized hardware) a home computer user can actually establish a video and audio connection with a person anywhere in the world. Numerous online businesses offer live strippers (both male and female) who will do whatever the home computer user wants--- for a price. So a user in a small town in the middle of nowhere can access a live, sexually explicit stripper in the privacy of his or her home.
Along with the video conferencing is the less explicit technology of Internet phone sex. When there is an audio connection established via the Internet there are no long distance fees. Many online businesses offer sexual conversation to home computer users for a high price.
The love addict has not been left out of the world of cyberspace addiction. Perhaps the easiest way for a love addict to act out is through the use of online "chat". "Chat" is a connection in which users type messages to one another. The messages appear on screen almost instantly. A love addict can create a totally fictitious identity online.
Often users do not know each others real name or where the other person even
lives.Thus, love addicts can establish incredible fantasy relationships with persons they have never even seen or spoken to. The speed of the communication along with the safety of being in different locations allows a user to go beyond the boundaries of propriety very easily.
Like any other high adrenaline activity, these cyber sex and love encounters can be strongly addictive. Some persons end up spending thousands of dollars and most of their free time on Internet sex and love. Many partners have been shocked when the credit card bill comes in and there are outrageous charges to Internet sex businesses. And many partners have been ignored while the addict acted out online with someone in a different place.
Some of the rationalizations I have heard are things like....
It isn’t infidelity because we don’t actually touch one another.
All I do is look at images on my computer- what is wrong with that?
I can’t get AIDS or anything else through my computer- this is safe.
My partner is asleep and not interested in sex tonight, so it is O.K. for me to do this on the computer
It isn’t hurting anyone or costing me anything, so what is the problem?
Cyber sex and love addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. If it takes time and energy away from your life, from your family, job, or free time, it is probably not a good idea. Personally, I see no benefit from these activities at all. It works better to establish real intimacy with real people in real life.
Cyber sex and love addicts, like other addicted persons, rarely quit unless they hit a wall. The wall may be a family member catching them in the act or finding out about the acting out through credit card bills. The wall may be an addict forced into bankruptcy due to being unable to pay the high bills for cybersexual acting out. the wall may be a deep painful depression when the love addict’s fantasy turns out to be empty and meaningless.
There are ways to stop. The best course of action involves participation in a local sex and love recovery group. If that isn’t possible, there are also online sex and love recovery resources. A way to stop the acting out is to pull the plug on the Internet connection. If that isn’t practical, then there is software available that can be programmed to prohibit access to X-rated Internet activities. This software, if programmed by a trusted friend or family member, can effectively limit the addict’s access to Internet acting out.
While stopping the acting out is needed and important, it is more important to address the roots of dissatisfaction that underlie sex and love addiction. Most cyber sex and love addicts are lonely, bored, or in some sort of emotional pain. However, sexual acting out does not eliminate the roots of loneliness, boredom, or pain. In reality, acting out only deepens the gulf that lies between the addict and intimacy.
Sometimes working a 12-step program is enough. Other times psychotherapy can be helpful. Occasionally there is a genuine biochemical imbalance that needs to be altered through the careful use of diet, exercise, or perhaps even medication.
Cyber sex and love addiction will be with us for a long time. The technology of the Internet makes it too easy and accessible. As long as there is a market, the Internet porn shops will thrive. However, addicts need not suffer the ravages of this addiction. There is hope and there is recovery both in cyberspace and in real life.
Copyright 1998 By Dr. Cliff Heegel cheegel@bigfoot.com
Distribution is ok-- just make certain you include my name and e-mail.